I Am Loved

I'm so overwhelmed. It seems God has gone out of His way once again to display His incredible love for me.

I recently opened myself up to healing from Him. All the stuff from my past that I had been carrying around (ala Pilgrim's Progress) I gave over to Him and asked Him to change me. I died to it, knowing it would kill me if I didn't.

Now, it's like He's reteaching me all the stuff I learned before. I feel like a stroke vicitm being rehabilitated - starting from scratch, but with a foundation of His promises. So now, He's patiently showing me that He loves me.

I don't know why, but I'm able to see certain things in my life as a direct result of His love: my amazing family and the relationships I have with my mom and sister, my friends who are as interested in my life as I am in theirs, and those people that I can't quite put a lable on but that I know care deeply for me. It all blows me away. And it's all because He loves me (among other reasons, I'm sure).

Finally, this time of year always reminds me of His love in that He came - YAHWEH incarnate. He left Heaven and humbled Himself because He loves me. He died because He loves me. He defeated death because He loves me.

"Oh Love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee. I give Thee back the life I owe that in Thine ocean’s depths its flow may richer, fuller be."

Thoughts on Death

it's funny.

i've never paid much attention to the seasons before.

this year, however, they've seemed to mimic me. take, for instance, fall. when we went on the student gov. retreat, i enjoyed some much-needed reflection time. as i sat on a wood bench next to a quiet pond, surrounded by the glorious leaves, i realized how much i had changed.

i guess it was bound to happen - maturity. but i had no idea what it would be like. i look older. i dress older (because i want to). i think older. i consider things that are important like college, majors, even marriage.

sometimes i look back and miss it - when my only homework was to memorize a Bible verse, when my clothes were set out for me, when i was friends with everybody because no one had hurt me yet. and i struggled with this question: am i losing jessie, or am i becoming jessie?

the leaves are supposed to change color. that's what they do, every year. i'm supposed to change, too. and that's ok.

now, it's winter. the leaves are gone. i look outside and i see bare trees where the orange and red once was. it looks so dead, so bare.

and that's where i am as well. with the help of a friend, i've come to recognize the bad things in my life - all the worry, the insecurity, the self-pity. it's not what my Father wants for me. so now I'm dying to it, with the hopes of spring always in view. i can't keep stressing about college A and B or about the future. yes, i'll think about it, but i can't let it consume me. my Father knows His plans, and He's told me they'll prosper, not harm. that's enough.

to spring...

I'm exceptional.

hooray. i made a blogspot. why? perhaps because i enjoyed xanga too much. perhaps because i have i lot on my mind and my journal isn't enough. perhaps because i haven't gotten to talk to anyone about what's been going on with me past "how was your weekend?"

there must be some reason.

in any event, i'm here. so i will get this off my mind so i might sleep.

i've realized something about myself. i never quite fit in. i always seem to be the person wearing the wrong thing or laughing at the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. i've never been normal - always exceptional. i'm not talking about exceptional as in better than everyone / superior. i'm just the exception. the person not cooperating.

man-jesse told me the other day that he and a few other people decided i had the exact opposite of senioritis because i'm so involved and do everything.

that got me thinking about all my extra-curriculars. seems they've been great for college/scholarship applications but terrible for my social life. take pep band, for instance. it's probably my least favorite. i hate sitting over with the band every home game directly across from the student section, seeing where i could be.

friday, i missed all but 6 minutes of the boys' game because i went to see the play instead. rather than whip out the piccolo for two songs, i donned my white hoodie and became part of the student section. i know it sounds terribly stupid, but those were 6 great minutes. yelling at the refs, cheering for ryno (!), chanting "undefeated" - i soaked it in.

just once, not having any responsibility other than to be one of the crowd.

perhaps this is what frightens me about Davidson so much. I have a strong feeling i won't fit in (if i get accepted) (and if i get the money to go).

these people are wealthy. how am i going to keep up with anyone who can pay this tuition? i'll be the the poor scholarship girl with my stuff from target, walmart, and khol's instead of crate and barrel, dolce and gabana, and ralph lauren.

also, they are crazy smart. not just good grades smart. cure cancer smart. i just like books. yeah. thanks for playing.

finally, i'm a Christian. we're outcasts. we're the people that the "smart" people look down on. davidson is pluralistic. i have a feeling that little freshman jessie isn't going to have too many friends if she believes in something that condemns all mankind. i know, we're not supposed to fit in, but am i the only one exhausted with trying to live above the fray?

the need to be special. the intense insecurity. quite the combination.

James 3:13-18