Thoughts on Death

it's funny.

i've never paid much attention to the seasons before.

this year, however, they've seemed to mimic me. take, for instance, fall. when we went on the student gov. retreat, i enjoyed some much-needed reflection time. as i sat on a wood bench next to a quiet pond, surrounded by the glorious leaves, i realized how much i had changed.

i guess it was bound to happen - maturity. but i had no idea what it would be like. i look older. i dress older (because i want to). i think older. i consider things that are important like college, majors, even marriage.

sometimes i look back and miss it - when my only homework was to memorize a Bible verse, when my clothes were set out for me, when i was friends with everybody because no one had hurt me yet. and i struggled with this question: am i losing jessie, or am i becoming jessie?

the leaves are supposed to change color. that's what they do, every year. i'm supposed to change, too. and that's ok.

now, it's winter. the leaves are gone. i look outside and i see bare trees where the orange and red once was. it looks so dead, so bare.

and that's where i am as well. with the help of a friend, i've come to recognize the bad things in my life - all the worry, the insecurity, the self-pity. it's not what my Father wants for me. so now I'm dying to it, with the hopes of spring always in view. i can't keep stressing about college A and B or about the future. yes, i'll think about it, but i can't let it consume me. my Father knows His plans, and He's told me they'll prosper, not harm. that's enough.

to spring...