The weather was perfect today. I drove to my grandparents' house using the long way, just enjoying the warm sun shining through my open windows, listening to the right CD, going goodness-only-knows-per-hour, observing the cherry trees as they steal the spotlight from the Bradford pears. I went down my favorite road, the one that has that steep hill and if you go down it fast enough, you get that anti-gravity feeling in the pit of your stomach, like on roller coasters.
I used to love driving. It was my escape, a time where I could think without interruption or sing without self-consciousness. Now, thanks to my aversion to punctuality, the time I spend driving is tense and distracted: a means to an end.
But today, driving was driving again. And I needed the head-clearing.
I haven't understood certain emotions, feelings, thoughts I've had lately. As I blazed through the familiar paths in my car, I began to get it.
I realized that I will be replaced. I will head off to college, and new people (or things) will come up where I used to be. I will not be my friends' ears, nor will I be their ride. I will not be the one to play the flute solo next year in band. I will not plan See You At the Pole 2007. The hard part, though, is that even though I will not be there, everything will continue. Without me.
And so, I am jealous, of the friends my friends will make in their freshman classes, of the girl who is second chair flute right now, of the current juniors who will plan Homecoming 08. But jealousy is not becoming on a young lady, nor is it something I am used to.
65 days until graduation... where's the brake pedal?
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