I hate April 19th.
Over the years, I've never really known how to handle 4/19. For a while, I told people about it. Mentioned it during prayer requests at school. "Could you please pray for my family..." But then I began to notice the awkward silence that hit the room as soon as I spoke. So I stopped. Maybe an off-hand comment to a friend. "Yeah, can you believe it will be __ years since..." More silence. I generally can't talk to mom about it. Just makes her sad, though I know my bringing it up wouldn't be the first time it's crossed her mind.
Today, like every year for the past ten years, I didn't really know how to handle it. It was in the back of my mind all day. Honestly, I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to be around people, just listening and enjoying the distraction. But it seemed everywhere I went, they left. So I tried to take a nap. That only gave me more time to dwell on it.
I played my flute. I've been doing a lot of that lately. It was different today, though. I played through a song full of vibrato, carrying a beautiful sadness with each note. It wasn't perfect, but I put so much heart and emotion into it, I physically shook after I played the final fermata.
Then came my monologue during rehearsal. I was fine up until "... And the mystery of death." And when I said, "Somehow, sometimes, things are just as they should be." I had very little conviction. Sometimes things are wrong. They aren't just as they should be. They hurt.
I told no one. No one asked me if anything was wrong, or if something was bothering me. Seems I'm a better actress than I realized.
But now, I want someone to know. So, reader, April 19th, the anniversary of my dad's death, is a hard day for me.
10 years without him and I still haven't figured out how to deal with it.
5 comments:
congratulations...you fooled me...once.
forgive me for being fooled...
Please know that there is at least one person who reads your posts here who knows what you're talking about and mourns with you. My dad died when I was 7. Loss hurts. And as Jesus showed us on the cross, love hurts. Dare to embrace the cross and receive His comfort.
jessiekuipers...I never had the privilege of knowing Ray Kuipers. However I have enjoyed getting to see his legacy live on in you. I enjoyed hanging out yesterday with part of the Casa Number 7 crew and comparing stories. Are you sure you have an opinion?
when it comes to moms and menopause, moms and their own opinions, or just moms in a bad mood, none of us ever have an opinion. its just life.
on a different note, i dont think we will ever be able to know how to deal with death or any type of loss. Because every year or time its thought about, its different. And if we did learn to fully "handle it", what would that truly mean? Just some thoughts.
Jessie I love you. You never cease to amaze me!
I second what emily said.
I would be priveledged to share mine with you. Euker...soon.
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