hooray. i made a blogspot. why? perhaps because i enjoyed xanga too much. perhaps because i have i lot on my mind and my journal isn't enough. perhaps because i haven't gotten to talk to anyone about what's been going on with me past "how was your weekend?"
there must be some reason.
in any event, i'm here. so i will get this off my mind so i might sleep.
i've realized something about myself. i never quite fit in. i always seem to be the person wearing the wrong thing or laughing at the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. i've never been normal - always exceptional. i'm not talking about exceptional as in better than everyone / superior. i'm just the exception. the person not cooperating.
man-jesse told me the other day that he and a few other people decided i had the exact opposite of senioritis because i'm so involved and do everything.
that got me thinking about all my extra-curriculars. seems they've been great for college/scholarship applications but terrible for my social life. take pep band, for instance. it's probably my least favorite. i hate sitting over with the band every home game directly across from the student section, seeing where i could be.
friday, i missed all but 6 minutes of the boys' game because i went to see the play instead. rather than whip out the piccolo for two songs, i donned my white hoodie and became part of the student section. i know it sounds terribly stupid, but those were 6 great minutes. yelling at the refs, cheering for ryno (!), chanting "undefeated" - i soaked it in.
just once, not having any responsibility other than to be one of the crowd.
perhaps this is what frightens me about Davidson so much. I have a strong feeling i won't fit in (if i get accepted) (and if i get the money to go).
these people are wealthy. how am i going to keep up with anyone who can pay this tuition? i'll be the the poor scholarship girl with my stuff from target, walmart, and khol's instead of crate and barrel, dolce and gabana, and ralph lauren.
also, they are crazy smart. not just good grades smart. cure cancer smart. i just like books. yeah. thanks for playing.
finally, i'm a Christian. we're outcasts. we're the people that the "smart" people look down on. davidson is pluralistic. i have a feeling that little freshman jessie isn't going to have too many friends if she believes in something that condemns all mankind. i know, we're not supposed to fit in, but am i the only one exhausted with trying to live above the fray?
the need to be special. the intense insecurity. quite the combination.
James 3:13-18
3 comments:
jessie, you're beautiful. the whole of you is beautiful. no matter where you go- even you are afraid you will repel people from you for whatever unfathomable reason- you will never be alone, because you are magnetic; you are full of love and people can see that in you. you have those many people who love you now, the many people who will love you in the future, and of course you have God, whose love superceedes all love. i don't want you to worry. you are exceptional, in the best of ways. never lose that.
-julie
Quite the combination indeed....perhaps that's why we gravitate towards each other. Peas in a pod and all...
The interesting thing about pluralism is that it tolerates that which would destroy it. So I doubt you would run into much vehement resistance. Just tell everyone you're a methodist...that never offends anyone...except other Christians. ;-)
you, my dear, are one of the peole i admire the most in the world. And to me that says alot, because well i admire alot of people. But you, you make the top of the list. i believe, that in the place that God wants to be in, wherever that may be, you will have someone, to be your friend. some one, to help you and hold you accountable. i believe that whole heartedly. and i believe that you will bless them, just as much as they will bless you.
~Crys
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