Doesn't Play Well With Others

Here, have a senior class trip. Go to an awesome country and tell the people there about God. The trip's totally paid for, because people back home think you're the right person for the job. Remember how "commissioned" you felt when you got the first donation in the mail? So there, Jessie: an all-expenses paid work trip / vacation to share the love of God with others and to create some awesome memories that will last a lifetime! It's yours!

So what's wrong with me? It's mine. It's almost here. My camera batteries are being charged as I type this. I mean, this is going to happen. But I'm not excited. In fact, I'm kind of dreading it.

Fear of the unknown. One of my most long-standing battles. What in the world will this be like? Honestly, the thought of working side by side with 43 other members of my senior class discourages me. I know how well I do in groups. Not well. I get frustrated easily. I am a person who enjoys people. But then, when I reach my time limit, I need space, my cave time, my "don't talk, just think" time.

And I know, without a doubt, God is asking me to sacrifice this. He's been doing that a lot lately. A certain friend of mine is constantly commandeering my free time. During the most recent occurrence, we were talking about love. Turns out, I know more about it than I thought, and God decided I needed to share it with her. I was trying to explain what selfless love was and I remember saying something to the tune of, "You see, it's like you and me. I spend time with you, not because I'm trying to get anything out of it [which I'm not], although I do get a lot of joy from our relationship [which I do], but because I love you [which is also true] and I want to see you become a better person."

Condemned by my own words, which were, oddly enough, not even mine to begin with [seems they made an impression]. Do I love these people? Then I'll put up with their crap in the hopes that I can help them. Turns out, when you ask God to take your life and let it be consecrated to him, he takes you up on the offer.

So that's my prayer request for this trip: that I'll be able to act in love, sacrificing my cave time as others have done for me, open to the odd opportunities God gives me to share in someone's life. God's work: draining and fulfilling. What a satisfying paradox.