Excerpts From a Journal

3/6/07
This journal is a gift from a friend. I had a feeling she would give me one for this trip, so I neglected to bring my own. Poor other journal. At home, missing the "adventure of a lifetime." I haven't written in it for a while. Regardless of my (un)faithfullness in recording what's gone on in my life, God has been working. It has been an absolute joy, absolute struggle, absolute pain, absolute healing. God has decided to teach me about love: His love for me, my love for Him, others' love for me, my love for them.
I have learned that love is selfless. "Love" acted out only in the benefit of self is not love - it is lust, infatuation, greed, or just self-centeredness. Love is putting the needs and even wants of others before your own. It is wanting to invest time in another person, if only to see them become a better person. Love means giving up your cave time because someone needs your ears. Love means speaking the truth, even when it can be taken the wrong way. Love is receiving the truth, even when you want to take it in the wrong way. Love is not running away. Love is chasing. Love isn't based on emotions or feelings or even the fluttery heart thing. It's based on the knowledge of who a person is. Love them for them. Sometimes, God tells us to love someone. Sometimes, it comes naturally. Sometimes, it's both. Love is God's greatest command - first Him, then others. Nothing can compare to it. It is stronger than death (on a cross even), than the grave, than the horrible, sinful, depraved people that we are. Love is the fulfillment of the law. Act in love, and you obey all of the commandments. So that is what I mean when I tell someone I love them. And that is why I do not say it flippantly or to everyone.
I'm beginning to grasp God's love. Barely. He's been pouring it out to me for so long, teaching me ever so gently, ever so slowly that He loves me. Other people love me. They, too, have been patient with my confusion and unbelief. But I'm starting to get it.
And now, God is asking for a return on his deposit. Here I am with my senior class. I'm here for a purpose. I'm going to love these people, or at least act in love toward them because of my love for Christ.
So far, we haven't done much. We're at a seminary: cold showers, but awesome food. I'm just sitting in the sun, feeding the bugs, and avoiding soaring sporting equipment.
Yesterday, after we arrived, had dinner, and got settled, we had an amazing time of worship. God laid it on my heart to share about my college struggles, along with Isaiah 40 (He is God, I am not). The thing isn't really what college I go to, but that I follow God where ever He leads me. That works for now, so I'll stop worrying about it.

3/7/07
Yesterday, after our free morning to hang out, we went to a high school. We played / sang a few songs. Lawler wanted us to sit amongst the kids, which was tough for me. Turns out I'm pretty shy. The kids weren't really into the singing or the preaching. But they liked the soccer game.
Then we went to the inner city of San Jose to pass out tracts. Once again, turns out I'm very shy. I hated it. I felt so out of my element, so imposing, asking people to take a piece of pape from a complete stranger concerning something so personal as one's relationship with God. But, "How can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?"
I guess I'm just not good at selling the gospel. I know what it entails: the heartache, the pain, the process of being emptied and refined. But I also know the joy, the healing, the process of being filled. When it comes to telling others about God, I feel dishonest only hitting the high points.
This morning, we woke up extremely early and drove across the country. We got souveniers and pottery. Aby used the pottery in his lesson tonight - more "I'm God, you're not: I'm the potter, you're the clay" stuff. I need to keep thinking that. Then we went to a big open field and sang for some little school kids. Onto another small town with another amazing time of worship witht he local kids. We had them all dancing to "Marvelous Light." It was awesome.

3/8/07
Well, we've spent the day doing nothing. Right now, I'm looking out at the resort's cove of the Pacific Ocean, sitting on the towel I had to rent from them, surrounded by grass, joined by Jake and Arthur. The sun is beautiful, reflecting off the water around the pier. The flags are standing stiff gaurd on the pier, not of their own volition - the wind has decided their upright position. The humid force is also wafting the birds gently in the air as they cry out to each other.
Seems I'm in a pensive mood. Today has been a perfect day for relaxation, socializing, and letting go. Last night's words come back to me, and I pray they will never leave. Mr. Campbell spoke about unity and how it is bound by love. Why must I be constantly faced with the thing I am so bad at? I remember, in the summer, God was preparing me for this lesson. He had me speak at the student government retreat about love and humility and how it all builds unity.
Maybe I've been a loner for too long. Perhaps this is God's way of telling me to be better unified with His people. So much has happened since that retreat, so many tests that have strengthened my ability to love as well as my understanding of it. I want to be better at it, but it's such a big task. I'm discouraged.
But He remembers that I am dust...
Clay. It's just dust. But with a little water, the right pair of hands, and the pottery wheel, it can become more than dust - beautifully shaped and molded.
I am the clay. He is the potter. He knows what He is doing. He's carefully molding me into the woman he wants me to be. I'm by no means a finished product,. I've been fried, turned, twisted. I'm getting there.
And so, my frustration will last. But I pray to see progress everyday. And I think I am. It's just a process of getting over me - not being so self absorbed and self centered. It's not about my desires, my shyness, my past pain. It's about the absolute command to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love my neighbor as myself.

3/9/07
I am more exhausted now than I have ever been in my life. I'm laying in bed, eating dark chocolate M&M's (a gift which flooded me with happiness). I am quickly realizing the detrimental effects of an open bag of M&M's on someone trying to write in a journal.
Today, we went white water rafting down one of the world's best rafting rivers. We floated and paddled through the rain forest for 5.5 hours. I never got tired of looking up and seeing the tall, dense walls of trees surrounding us. Our foursome paddled our arms out. It was intense and tiring but so fun! I'd do it again in a heartbeat. We even had lunch right out on a sandbar. They just flipped over a couple rafts and started laying out fruit and stuff to make sandwhiched with. It was like a picnic. In the rain forest. Never to be forgotten.
My selfishness contiues. I am constantly sickened by my instinctive desire to please myself before others. I know this would happen - a trip like this heightens flaws. Why does it bother me so much to simply share my pringles, or to talk to the loners of the group instead ob the friends I'm comfortable with? Praise be to the One who know my heart's design completely, yet still loves its owner.
Opening night for the play was tonight. Is it wrong that I still feel disappointed about missing the first two shows to be here? The Potter wants me in Costa Rica, though. People paid money for me to be here. They're praying for me. I'm supposed to be here, not at home.
What are you up to, God? This clay has blown it the first four days she's been here. Sure you haven't made a mistake? She's snapped at people, hastn't offered to share with anyone, missed an opportunity to witness, sar by while other people made fun of her friends, fallen asleep during prayer, complained, been introverted, neglected some of your servants, didn't help wash the dishes, didn't thank the bus driver, fumed because of sparse leg room...
Are You sure?

3/10/07
We're pretty tired. I know this because Joy (my roommate) has been laying on the bed, pencil poised ove the pages in her journal, motionless for about 20 minutes. Yeah, it was a tiring day.
We did a lot of ministry work today. We started out early and headed to Aby's church. It's small, but beautiful. Gladys made breakfast (rice, beans, and eggs - five days in a row!). Then we went to a large enclosed gym. The children of the village came and we played witht hem after presenting the gospel. It was amazing, definitely a highlight of the trip. They were precious, all running around with baloon hats Louis and Lizzie had sculpted for them. At one point, we had a big game of keep away going. Tip's hat was the ball. Gringos v. kids - and they played dirty! I had the hat, and they wrestled me to the ground somehow. A little boy grabbed part of the hat, and I hung on to the other. All the kids were tickling me ruthlessly while I laughed and yelled, "No tickle!" and to the kid with the hat, "Damelo! Damelo!" (Give me it!). It was awesome. I can assure you: I didn't think about college once. Turns out, there ARE more important things to consider and ponder.
After the kids left, we went to lunch and headed back to the gym to minister to the teenager with music, testimonies, and lots of soccer. I played for a bit. I haven't been feeling well today, so I'm glad I only participated for about 10 minutes. I was a defender, whatever that means.
We finished tonight with a very Spirit-filled worship / devotion time. Mrs. Carr came over and prayed for me. It was funny. She knew all the doubts I had about myself and my future. She addressed them all, mentioning my passion for God and how it will always guide me and lead me wherever God wants me to be. She prayed for my peace. I cried. Those words will echo into eternity. I told her all the stuff about how inadequate I feel and all the failures I've presented God with lately. She didn't gasp and take back her prayer. She just calmly said that Christ's sacrifice would have been purposeless if I were perfect.
The desire and passion to do what is right.
The capacity and tendency to do what is wrong.
It's so hard sometimes. But He understands and He still died for me. That's why He died. I think my sin is here to humble me, to perpetuate my reliance on God and His strength in sanctification.
Today, I gave away M&M's. The dark chocolate ones. Without regreting or loathing it. That, journal, is the work of God.
It's like Mrs. Carr said, though. It's a process. I think that's at the core of my frustration: I want glorification now. I want to be complete in God.
But not yet. The clay must be shaped, molded, wet down, fried before it can be glazed over and decorated.

3/11/07
Last day. How bizarre. I was just getting used to tico time.
We went to church this morning. The service was a mix of Spanish and English. I really enjoyed it.
Then, after church, the sweetest thing happened. A little boy named Stuart, full of love and energy, came up to me and presented me with a necklace. "Por me?" I said. He nodded yes. "Porque?" (Why?) I wanted to know, completely confused. I had done nothing to earn this child's esteem. All he responded with was a big hug, and he walked away.
Before lunch, a few of us went down to the store in Guacimo. Several of us got coke in a bottle... apparently, they keep the bottle to redeem later, so they poured our drinks into plastic sandwich bags, stuck a straw in it, and handed it to us. So there we were, walking down a Costa Rican gravel road, dinking coke in bag.
We left for San Jose, and stayed at nice hotel where I reunited with Casa number 7, my beloved roommates from the beginning of the week. We had some good girl time.
After dinner, we had an amazing service. Mr. Campbell prayed for us, blessing us. We sang and had communion.
Stuart really brought it all home for me. All this stuggle I've had over selfishness, all my frustration over my lack of humility, it was needed to teach me what it means to follow Christ. It's not about me. It's about God. I am not the lead character in my novel. God is. He's the author, too. Stuart showed me what unconditional, selfless love is. He gave me the necklace just because. How hard, then, is it for me to give my time, my love, my patience. I hope and pray I will not soon forget this lesson. Stuart has already given me a physical reminder.

3/12/07
We're on the plane, heading home. I am granted a few hours to reflect on and add to this journey before all the craziness of life back home begins again.
I have seen absolute wonders of God's creation. Mountains, forests, oceans, rivers, waterfalls, clouds, sunsets, moonrises, stars. God's creation will never cease to hold me in awe. I can't help but praise Him for the world He has given us to live in, even if it is fallen. I see the Creator's hand in his earth, and I feel His pleasure in my delight.
God is a God of love: absolute, unconditional, unrepelable love. A person enters this world with a sinful nature, unable to understand love. All they know is selfishness, and they act accordingly. God intercepts this path of depravity and begins to teach us right from wrong. We can no longer live as we used to. We are being taught what the truth is, what it means to love, what it means to have life and have it to the full.
I had skewed views of life, love, and myself: life is lived how I desire, I love only for reciprocation, and I am worthless because I live unfulfilled and I love unreturned.
It is a process. God must get rid of these old views and in their place provide the truth: that I live for God, I love because He loves me, that a life lived for Him is full of purpose, love given in Him, to Him, and from Him is good, and that He has given me worth, redeemed me.

Romans 12:1-3