Grain of Salt

Reality and I haven't been on good terms lately.

What is it about human beings? We are logical, rational, understanding creatures. We are able to differentiate between the possible and the impossible. We know we cannot do certain things. We are constrained by reality and are constantly reminded of our limitations.

And yet... we hope. We hang on to that last shred of improbability, convincing ourselves that this time will be different. More than that, we dream. Our hopes are so real to us that we base our futures on them, we act on them, we believe in them.

But why? We are always disappointed. We always let down or are let down. Why do we keep trying? Why are we not overwhelmed by the reality of a situation, left in a puddle of faithless inaction?

I am overwhelmed. Reality, the insuperable juggernaut, is winning.

The reality is this: I have performed my last show; tomorrow, I will play my last concert; I will attend my last classes Friday and Monday; I will graduate; I will leave. People grow up. I am growing up. Growing means changing. I am changing, as is everyone else around me. Our relationships are changing, too. Drastically. I will grow apart from many whom I hold close now. Also, I'm finding it hard to believe in new relationships because of the futility involved. Why start now if we're all just leaving anyway?

This is logic. This is actuality. This is real.

So why am I up late once more, crying about things I cannot change and should have anticipated all along? Perhaps I had hoped it wouldn't happen. I really can't say.

But I can say that sometimes, for absolutely no discernible reason whatsoever, reality lets one slip by. A dream comes true. So you smile, scarcely allowing yourself to keep hoping and dreaming.